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The often heard but basically ignored cliché – “I’m not arguing about money. It’s not about the money, it’s the principle of the thing,” signifies the essence of conflict. The “principle” of the thing translates into moral and social standards, and thus expectations of respect, fairness, and civility. Individuals focus on these components, all of which are defined by culture.
DISCONNECTED RELATIONSHIPS – A largely unrecognized and significant social component of anger is asking for change, in response to some behavior or way of thinking that is causing harm to an individual’s sense of Self, and relationships. The anger flags attention to this threat and fear, to the sense of disconnectedness, to the sense of “feeling bad,” or “feeling hurt,” to a sense of worthlessness, to thoughts characterized by “I am not worth what I am asking for; how little you care about me, about our relationship.” Mistrust gives way to distrust. New rules and regulations governing the relationship or fundamental changes are asked for. Surviving social distancing one book at a time face mask
Humiliation, contempt, disgust, blame, harm, disrespect, bad, hurt, and worthlessness are the cue words for shame. Anger, fear and shame constitute the braided emotions of conflict. Anger is the presenting emotion shielding shame and fear. Anger is easier to experience and acknowledge than either shame or fear, and certainly easier to acknowledge when they intersect and form a triangle. The power struggles where individuals cling tenaciously to their positions signal that positions constitute more than merely an ideal solution. The energy expended on defending positions reflects the attempts to regain respect, dignity, integrity, and honor – to counter balance the effects of feeling shame. The diversity and extensiveness of individuals’ deployment tactics testifies to the creativity, innovation, and energy devoted to this endeavor. Blame belongs to the socio-emotional process of shame, and it serves as a balancing process for intra and interpersonal connectedness. Rather than a definition of conflict as normal or inevitable as a consequence of perceived incompatible and competing interests or needs, incompatible and competing interests and needs are normal between people. Conflict is as a consequence of disconnection between people who then expend less effort in cooperating and coordinating incompatible and competing interests, have a less vested interest in doing so, and see themselves as having to look out for themselves. Conflict represents disrespect inherent from the denial of recognition and struggle for identity. Verbal and physical violence emerges out of the denial of recognition and struggle for identity.
The distinction between dispute and conflict through the variables of time, content, emotions, and relationship connectedness allows individuals at home, in the workplace, or as practitioners greater precision in analysis of a situation. Such analysis leads to more precise choices of intervention. The real dollar costs in dealing with complaints and criticisms through coaching is substantially less than conflict through mediation or a court case. However, since social norms regulate when individuals seek outside help, and that seeking outside help for disputes signals a loss of faith and incompetency, the challenge will be for clients and professionals alike to learn new scripts for seeking outside help sooner rather than later. Surviving social distancing one book at a time face mask
Rose Marie’s specialty focuses on how emotions work in human relations, within situations of learning and development, conflict and change, job satisfaction, customer service, media and marketing, and workplace harassment. Having distinguished disputes from conflicts, that conflict is not normal, but resulting from the alchemy of anger, fear, and shame, the focus of her work is pro-active and pro-ventative. Rose Marie draws on twenty years in administration where she built a reputation for restructuring her positions and ameliorating employee-management relations. This provided the foundation for a further decade of intense education, experience, and the founding of CBA Connect. As a mature student, she earned an Hons. BA (Sociology) in Speech Communication and Drama, and Conflict Resolution; a Certificate in Small Business Development and Management; a Masters (Hons.) in Sociology on the emotions of conflict. Her work with the fired, laid off, downsized, right-sized, and re-engineered resulted in her focus to promote business excellence through respectful workplaces. Rose Marie sees her work in conflict resolution as helping her clients unleash their creativity and entrepreneurial skills through emotional literacy, helping individuals adapt and develop new work attitudes for a rapidly changing world, identify their potential, make transitions, and service their communities – while having fun!
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